She's My Soul
by C.Queen
Summary: When Gin wakes from a nightmare and into his living one, he thinks only of her and what had been.


Disclaimer: As always I own nothing but the original characters and the situations I put all the other characters into. Everything else belongs to somebody else and that's just the way it's gonna be. Thanks so much for reading and please enjoy and review!

Note: This is a little side story attached to "Sexy Captain's Curse". It can be read on its own though.

She's My Soul

Former head of the third division in the Gotei 13, Captain Gin Ichimaru woke from his slumber bathed in sweat, pale as a sheet, and gasping desperately for air. Sitting up in one swift movement the lone finger hunched over, touching his sweat soaked forehead against his knees as he struggled to get air into his burning lungs. The mantra that it had all been just a dream repeated like a broken record in his head, bringing him no comfort in the gloomy darkness of the room. His cell. Of course it was a cell of his own making, so really, who was he to complain. Smirking at the thought Gin raised his head slightly, looking around the room which held only a few pieces of furniture and clothing. Nothing to individualize it, or indicate that anyone spent any time in the room for any length of time. Not that he was getting a hell of a lot of sleep these days. No, the nightmares plagued him daily now, haunting him even when he was awake and trying to work off the remembrance of the nights dreams of before. It was sort of poetic in a way, as his life, in many ways, was a waking nightmare anyway.

Not that he deserved an ounce of pity. He'd been called the fox faced demon for a reason. He'd grown too soft in the Soul Society; that was his problem. He'd started to believe that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance to leave the nightmares behind. Not that they'd ever left him; he could not remember a time when the nightmares hadn't chased after him, stealing his sleep and very breath. But for a time they'd been dulled, he'd been able to battle back from them, take control of the nightmare or at least awake from them before they got to be too much for him to handle. And he'd known in those days, even in sleep, that if he awoke he wouldn't be alone. He'd always awoken to the feel of arms around his neck, a warm, reassuring body pressed against his. His mind would scream out the knowledge that Ran was beside him, and that, more than anything, would save him. Save him, by her presence alone. If he'd woken her up with his dreams, she'd draw him into his arms, hold him tight and soothe him back to sleep, or remain awake with him so that he wouldn't be alone as the sun rose once more. Even when they'd arrived at the academy he'd often slipped out of his own room and into hers, sliding into bed beside her when the nightmares were bad. At the time everyone had assumed that he did so for sex, and they'd never bothered to correct them. No, at that time, sex was the fartherest thing from his mind when he'd slipped beneath the crisp cotton sheets, desperate for the shelter of her arms. His haven and shield in a world he couldn't control.

That was why he'd learned to fight, had put his entire heart and soul into becoming a ranking member of the Gotei. Not for the glory, the prestige or even the financial stability. He'd done it all because he'd held the desperate hope that if he could only learn to master his body, he might just learn how to master his own mind in the process and finally rid himself of his ever lurking demons. And he had succeeded to an extent. But only up to a point. Still, between that and Ran he'd been doing all right as he graduated from the academy with a bright future ahead of him. Then it had happened. A realization that had shaken the very foundations of his world. He'd realized that Ran might not always be with him. That she could be taken from him. This had never occurred to him, and he'd cursed his own stupidity for never realizing, never imagining that such a thing could happen to them. But his Ran had grown into a beautiful woman, the most beautiful woman in all the Gotei. He'd seen the way men looked at her, had known that they flirted and flattered her, trying to buy her time and company with gifts and promises of things he himself could never give her. And she'd spent time with some of them, accepting their gifts and their flattery. But she'd always come back to him, so he'd tried to tell himself he had nothing to worry about. But he had been, and he'd hated as he'd never hated before. All these other men had families, friends, people who loved and cared about them. All he had was Ran, there was no one else who loved him in the world. Everything had come to a head one night, when he'd arrived at her dorm room only to find her gone, the room empty as her roommate had gone home for the weekend. Like a little child he'd curled up on her bed, the lights on while he waited for her until midnight, when she'd finally come stumbling in with a bright, cheerful smile on her face. The smile had died a quick death as soon as she'd caught sight of him, she'd rushed over to his side to gather him into her arms as always. Only this time his grip had been a painful one, he'd left bruises as he held on and begged her never to leave him. Ever. He'd told her what he'd never been able to say before. That he needed her more than air or food or shelter, that if she'd just stay with him always he'd find some way to make it up to her. Just always let him be first in her heart.

And she had held him just as tightly and sworn that it would always be so, Gin thought as he raised his head once more, his breathing shallow but steady. She'd placed his hand on her chest and then placed her own over his heart, her beautiful grey eyes fierce and passionate as she swore that they were two halves of a whole and that they would always be first in each other's hearts. Then she'd leaned over and brushed his lips with hers, as gentle as a warm summer breeze. His first kiss, the only lips he would ever allow to brush against his own. Amazing how such a fleeting, brief kiss could change a man's world forever. Before than the ideas of romance, love, lust, all had been foreign to him. He'd paid no attention to any girl but Ran and then she had simply been an extension of himself, not even female really in his mind. Then she had kissed him so sweetly and he'd realized for the first time that she could be, might be, something he needed as more than a warm haven. Romance was a foreign concept and he'd never known any kind of love before Ran, had never been around people that expressed the complicated emotion towards others. Lust though, needs and desires, these he could understand. He knew what it was to be starving and to do without, to be willing to go to any lengths to possess something elemental to his survival. And so had it been with Ran. He'd known nothing of sex, but had even then been the sort to keep his ear close to the ground, picking up information that could be used to his advantage at a later date. Sex was a very popular subject matter in locker rooms. And so he'd learn not only about sex, but the bond it could create between two people. And apparently if one man was sleeping with a woman, that made her off limits to all other men. And that, more than his own physical desires and curiosity, was why he'd sought to make Ran his in every way possible.

Sex had been made to sound about as appealing as being worked over by eleventh division members, but if it would make Ran want to be with him more he'd been prepared to bear with it and take it like a man. At the time he'd assumed she'd already been with a few others, seeing as she'd actually dated and socialized with the opposite sex where as he'd expressed zero interest in getting close to any woman who wasn't Ran and boy had she ever been pissed when he'd expressed that opinion. There they'd been, butt naked and unsure as hell, trying to figure out what this sex thing was all about with neither having anything more than basic, second hand knowledge to go on. Not the best time to piss a woman off. Chuckling at the memory, Gin thought not for the first time that it was a miracle she hadn't kicked him out of her bed and said to hell with the whole thing. Had it not been for their shared history, Ran probably would have. When he'd explained that a couple of the men she'd dated had insinuated that she'd had sex with them she'd mellowed out slightly, but only after he assured her that he'd beat them to a bloody pulp first chance he got. He had too. And they'd both lost their virginity that night to each other, figuring things out as they went and probably making it a hell of a lot more complicated and uncomfortable then need be. But they'd discovered it together, and would continue to do so for the decades to come, the only one for the other. He'd never touched another woman, never really even looked at one as a sexual being. It had always been Ran for him. Could only ever be Ran for him. Which might explain why his life now seemed so much more hellish then it actually was. Years without sex would do that to a man apparently. Aizen thought him a fool, but then what was Aizen, if not a fool? Yes, his fearless leader was a fool, and an arrogant one which would be his undoing. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Once Aizen succeeded in bringing about his own end he'd finally be free of him.

Not that he could return to Ran once Aizen was finished. No, she would not open her arms to him and welcome him back into the shelter that had always been his alone. She would want to, since she still loved him, but she wouldn't. Ran had too much honour and self respect for that. Even if he told her why he'd done what he'd done, even if she believed him, he could never return to the Soul Society now. And he could never ask her to leave it for him. She had a life there, a family there, ties with people which had likely only strengthened in his absence. Their bond was weakening by the day while her bonds with others only got stronger. Especially her bond to Hitsugaya. Not that there was anything romantic between the two, he would have killed the white haired shortie decades ago if there had been. No, theirs was a bond of siblings, a tight one that allowed Ran to get away with murder and ruffle his hair like the kid he pretended not to be. Ran loved her captain, and would die for him without question. And she would kill him, the love of her life, if he ever took Hitsugaya away from her. It was one of the reasons he'd fought Hitsugaya himself that night. Because he'd known that harming him would insure that Ran wouldn't seek to follow him into the hell Aizen was creating for those willing to follow him. No, the darkness would never touch Ran, not while he drew breath. He would take it all into himself, absorb it into his own body so that there was none left to touch her. After all, there was nothing but darkness inside him anyway. A great, bottomless pit of darkness, without the faintest trace of light or warmth. There was no heart to stop beating, or a soul to shatter under the crushing weight of the darkness. No soul or heart, because he'd long ago removed them and given them to another to safe keep for him. Ran held both, and they would remain untarnished in her hands. She would have given him hers, but he'd always refused to accept them. To dirty them, defile them with his touch. No, they would remain pure and clean, like his Ran. He would not touch them or her again.

Rising from the bed Gin headed over to the chair where he'd draped his clothes earlier. Fingers searching they brushed up against the soft material, so unlike the heavy, thick material of his uniform. Pulling it free Gin wrapped his hand around his treasure; one he wore under his uniform at all times now, so as to avoid Aizen finding out about it. He'd only recently acquired it, snatching it off her very shoulders when she'd been too stunned to notice. Bringing his cloth wrapped fist to his nose Gin inhaled the faint, flowery scent that still clung to the pink scarf. Ran.


End file.
